March 09, 2005
Marriage: Nasty, brutish, and short?
There's gobs of advice for couples out there that basically assumes that men and women are naturally in competition to satisfy their individual needs: Mars/Venus, The Rules, Cosmo, etc. I've found less that assumes that couples are alligned in common interests, whether that be love, sex, or children.
I initially wanted to contrast competive versus cooperative visions of sexual or family relationships, and compare them to capitalist versus socialist visions of society. I thought I'd start with Adam Smith and his premise that self-interest is the strongest motivator, and Hobbes and his idea that, "During the time men live without a common power to keep them all in awe, they are in that conditions called war; and such a war, as if of every man, against every man," -- in short, their assumption that people are basically assholes who would kill each other just as soon as look at each other (a simplification, I know -- and they disagree, pretty profoundly, I think, on how to handle this). And then contrast that with Rousseau's idea of the nobel savage and the family as the only natural social contract. And maybe the Marxist idea that there is no human nature and "human productive activity is social in nature", thus people not only can, but must get along. But the more I thought about it, the less optimistic the Marx view of society seemed, with its emphasis on class struggle (especially when applied to marriage.
(Although it's not really relevant to anything, I must highlight this quote I just found in The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State: "if strict monogamy is the height of all virtue, then the palm must go to the tapeworm, which has a complete set of male and female sexual organs in each of its 50-200 proglottides, or sections, and spends its whole life copulating in all its sections with itself." (quote is on this page). I know that the Marx/Engles revelation is that things can be changed, which is pretty optimistic, but what I want for the purposes of this argument is an essentially optimistic view of human society (Rousseau = optimistic about humans, pessimistic about society).
I thought I might find a more optimistic view of marriage, anyway, in Catholicism, but it turns out I know so little about religion I can barely wade through the hits, let alone refine my searches. Maybe the Latter Day Saints" are they way to go. Or maybe I'll get back to this later.
First, a few notes on the "pessimistic" literature:
The Rules is only the most pernicious version. I think we're all familiar with the premise behind this one -- wait however long before calling back, if he doesn't call by such and such a day for a weekend date tell him you're busy, blah blah blah. But I think it's interesting that the testimonials on Rules website come from Beyonce Knowles and Kelly Rowland, of Destiny's Child. And are those lyrics from their songs? That would be an ineresting way to plug your pop psychology -- get some pop star to sing about it. You can find the rules I live my life by here. Maybe I'll ask my next date to follow Robert's Rules during dinner or whatever. Should cut down on interruptions, at least.
Men Head East, Women Turn Right sounds like bullshit to me from the title, but maybe that's just because I tend to use East/West instead of right/left (and because right/left is just STUPID when giving directions).
And then there's He's Just Not that into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, which is depressing, and Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve" which has a title that even I'd be embarrassed to use and I'm pretty sure the rest of it is of similar quality (how is it that both authors are men?).
Like I said, there's a million of these books, and I'm just scanning through Amazon's "marriage" category-- most are written for women (why is that?), and include promising titles such as:
Date Like a Man, What Men Won't Tell You but Women Need to Know", Porch Dogs: The Unmuzzled Truth About Men and Our Relationships with Them, Men are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man.
Now, here's one that actually looks useful: The Lazy Husband : How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework -- I say that not because of the title, but because the reader reviews say that it gave them concrete advice about housework, and that's what we're after with this project -- concrete advice.
Well, getting back to my Hobbes/Rousseau schtick. Individualism versus cooperativism. Marriage and society. Man and nature. Nurture or nature. Hmm. Well, I guess that's the point of a blog -- you don't actually have to finish a thought in order to post it.
Posted by mary at 02:14 PM | Comments (0)