They are having auditions in San Francisco this weekend. I'm kind of sad that I won't be going, especially now that I've heard that George Foreman is going to be one of the judges. I think I could get some mileage with him with the Wondue Crock.

Anyway, good luck to everyone going! You might find this account of my American inventor audition helpful -- and here are some other accounts, and here's pretty much everything I've had to say on the topic (including pictures of my "appearance" on the show!).

At the very least, be prepared to wait a long time, bring some snacks, and try to cry if they ask you what your invention means to you!

Look! It's me! On TEEVEE!!! Several of you caught the shot but none, I think, without TiVo, so here I am, for the viewing pleasure of those TiVo-less Mary Wheeler fans.

Check out my excellent acting! I'm trying to emote: "I'M BORED AND NERVOUS WHILE WAITING IN A WAITING ROOM" and I think my eyes say it all. Actually, if anything, I may have overacted. Ultimately, I'm more of a stage presence than a small screen actor, in spite of the fact that one of the film crew guys told me I should try out for Elimidate. Actually, what he said was something like I was going to make good reality TV and I said, "Should I try out for Elimidate??" and he gave me a kind of funny look and then agreed, "Yeah! Sure!!" I think his "compliment" was sincere, if apparently untrue, since they used so little of me in the show.

There has been much speculation as to why they didn't actually use me on the show. Theories include:

1) I didn't cry (enough). No, seriously, I didn't cry at all. I DIDN'T!!

2) The producers didn't think it was as funny as I did when I said that "Mary Lou's lips probably taste like Peter Jone's ASS" in the confessional booth/trailer. That was an overheated little trailer where they egg you on to "tell the judges exactly what you think of them!!" right after your pitch. I didn't really think much of anything about any of them at that point -- I couldn't really remember their names -- but I thought the line I came up with was pretty good, if I do say so myself. The crew laughed.

3) Pork-based lipstick isn't as goofy a product as I thought.

4) The actual shoot-down before the judges was boring. It's true, it was. I blame the judges, though, not myself -- they were just ineffectual. It was about 8 PM, though, so maybe they were tired, too. Peter, the only one to make any kind of weak jab at me, incoherently said something about marmite ads in the UK -- as if anyone in the United States is going to have the slightest idea what he's talking about. I don't remember what I said in response, so it was probably something stupid and unfunny. Mary Lou said the idea was disgusting. Everyone agreed they didn't want to try some. Ed whatisface asked me what an ad would look like and I have to admit, I just gave them a script of the ad that I shot, which isn't that funny to talk about, And that was it. I was out of there. I did offer to wheel my exhibit out of the room for them, though.

5) I was both funnier and taller than Matt Gallent, and when he saw the clips, he insisted that they pull me or he'd quit. He interviewed me a couple of times in the "green room" (which was actually green!) where most of us all spent between 4 and 6 hours before giving our 10 second pitch. Once I threatened to kiss him so he could taste the lipstick and he offered me his cheek -- What kind of ambitious actor doesn't kiss a strange woman on her pork-fat-smeared lips for the sake of his career? That guy is going nowhere.

6) My product has too much integrity and they are looking for goofy people with strange back stories.

Anyway, in spite of not making the cut -- or maybe because of it -- I had a fun time in LA, where I'd never been, especially driving around in Mr. Loveland's fancy sports car and eating sushi with him and Zoe. At the end, I told Matt "Shorty" Gallant that I'd be back next year with the Wondue Crock, and maybe, just maybe, I will.

The best part about this shot is that it's almost impossible to see, it goes by so fast -- I mean, it's really, really fast. Those of you without TiVo will have absolutely no hope of seeing it.

I swear to God, I did not watch all three episodes in slow motion -- I just happened to catch a glimpse of pink and green for some reason at the beginning of this one and slowed it down and there, just like in CSI or something, I was!! Along with a joyous-looking Arne on the right (in the Girls Rock Camp t-shirt, which Shane actually recognized in the blur). Arne would probably like me to point out that he thinks the show is pretty terrible and sad, btw.

Jamie was one of the best inventors I met in SF/LA, and her Temptress Bra was one of the best ideas I've heard in a long time -- not that I need one. She also had a lot of data and a great story to back it up, too (she didn't get a chance to tell her back story on TV -- maybe she'll tell it on her website.) Those American Inventor judges were nuts not to pass her along.

But their nuttiness is an integral part of the show. Melissa noted that each episode seems to chose a particular judge to make look like a Grade A ass or nutcase. I'm not saying that they aren't Grade A asses or nutcases to begin with, but clearly decisions were made during the editing process to show them in the worst possible light (or who knows, maybe it could be even worse?)

A couple of friends have said they find the show almost unwatchable because of its cruelty, and now we can say that at least it's cruel to the judges as well as the contestants.

But I still enjoy it. My intellectual rationale is that I think it actually does a good job of illustrating:

A) The endless creativity and heartbreaking optimism of the "common man." Who knows what "common man" means, but I think I noted before that I didn't see many people who looked like CEOs or millionaires, and was impressed by the number of women and minorities I did see. Sure, many of the contestents are made to look like crazy people or fools, and many of them aren't "in" on the joke, but I think that as an audience, we're also genuinely moved to feel empathy for them.

B) The total absurdity of consumer culture. Most of these inventions aren't any crazier than what's on the shelf at Walgreens, and the show encourages us to laugh at them, and I think that's a good thing. I've long said (or maybe just mumbled to myself under my breath) that my blog is my way of improvising on the comic themes of consumer culture. I think this show does a pretty good job of the same thing.

C) The absolute cruelty and inhumanity of capitalism, as personified by the judges and illustrated by the stories of the contesents, as well as the very existence of the show itself. Granted, it's perpetuating it at the same time as it's making it visible.

At the American Inventor website.

(Thanks to Mike and April for pointing this out, and to Mark for pointing out the same picture on the Washington Post website.)

By now I think most of my "American Inventor"-inspired readership will have moved on, but I've been glad to add Inventor Underground to my own reading, especially the list of inventions -- it's kind of like a sincere Halfbakery. There's been quite a bit of chit-chat, speculation, and word-ads at this American Inventor blog, and here's a particularly bitter (some might say paranoid?) view on the show.

Which premiers on March 16.

You may have visited this site in the past looking for news about auditions for the new TV show, American Inventor. And if you did, you would have found a lively conversation between eager American Inventor applicants. However, as some of us moved on in the process, we were reminded by AI staff that we were bound by confidentialitity clauses in the incredibly lengthy, sometimes amusing, and sometimes confusing agreement we had signed when we auditioned. We were told that it doesn't make very good TV if people can read all about it on the internet.

There wasn't anything posted here that revealed anything about the outcome of the show, but still, some of us were a little worried that our commentary here would endanger our chances on the show. I respect people's caution and concerns, and began by removing individual comments, but that made no sense, overall, since it left us with fragmented conversations, and I felt like everyone deserved equal protection, just in case it really was a problem -- not just those who thought to ask me to remove their comments. So, I took down the entire post and the comments. I'll put it up again after the show begins airing and I'm told it's OK to do so.

Please note: This is not a case of some big corporation pulling content off the web; I didn't geta cease and desist or anything. It's a case of a bunch of people who are really excited about something getting worried that their chances may be threatened by something relatively insignificant. I don't actually think it is, but it's not my choice to say so.

At least one other site, American Inventor tribe network, has been set up by another interested person. And another has invited people to visit his Inventor Blog.

Those of you who would like your invention websites linked here (again) should feel free to use this comment section below. As before, I reserve the right not to post links that don't seem appropriate, but I'm happy to direct people to the many interesting inventions I've learned about through this process!

Thanks to all those who participated, I hope I get to meet some of you, and good luck in LA!

-- Mary

It's not finalized, but I developed this in response to a gentle request that I change the image at the top of my blog entry about American Inventor -- someone got sick of looking at lipstick.

Anyway, the regular American Inventor Logo, I have to say, I find it a little boring. A little dull. A little grey.

So, I've adapted their gear thingy so it's more sun like -- like the rising sun! Like solar power! Like a house with many windows!! And added some upbeat punctuation -- everything is more exciting with an exclamation point!!!! right???? And I dropped the hexi-whatever in the background. (What was that supposed to be, anyway?).

I suspect people will get sick of looking at this, as well.

ROFLCOPTER!!!!!

Arne just called me about 40 minutes ago to let me know that he'd gotten a call for me -- since we auditioned at the same time and also as a team, maybe they confused our applications? or they may want us as a team? -- anyway, they called him and asked for me, but wouldn't let him know why they were calling -- except!!! -- they were calling from American Inventor! So, Arne helped me find my cell phone (it was on the back porch and he called it for me -- he's in San Francisco) and by the time I listened to the message and called back it was, like, 15 minutes ago (9:20 PM or so, West Coast time). The message said they (Ben and Bianca -- do you think it will creep Ms. Bronstein out if I keep talking about how cute she is? n.m. -- I'm sure they are plenty cute, too) had some questions for me, so who knows? Maybe they are just calling for advice? or maybe I'll say something when I do talk to them that will forever disqualify me? No guarantees -- but I'm happy to share at least this moment of excitement!!!

*Update: I still haven't heard back from the AI people -- I kinda assume they aren't working on Saturdays? Anyway, I'll try them again on Monday.

I just wanted to explain, since I had questions, that Chris had exclaimed "OMG! OMG! ROFLCOPTER!!" last night when I told him my news. When I asked what "roflcopter" meant he said it was like ROFL'ing so hard that your legs kicked around in a circle so that you look like a helicopter. Well, I loved that idea, so I used it. Then I got around to googling it and realized it there are several meanings, mostly based in some way on LOL.

I would never actually say, "LOL" -- but roflcopter (in the sense of laughing so hard that my legs spin me around on the floor) -- that's a keeper.

Being a Painfully Detailed Account of My Attempt to Realize My Destiny By Waiting Outside and Inside a Hotel for Approximately 12 Hours to Petition to Appear on the Television Program American Inventor

I flew down from Portland to San Francisco on Wednesday night armed with a giant Post It pad, a bunch of sharpies, and several copies of partly completed 36-page application forms.

About those application forms. Since I had decided to pitch three ideas, this meant four sets of forms: the inventor application form with its associated releases, and three invention forms. I still hadn't decided which ideas to pitch and since most of the questions applied to all of the inventions, I partially filled out the forms and copied them so as to save me some writing cramps. Notice that I say, "writing" instead of typing: that�s because American Inventor had failed to make use of the invention of the fill-outable PDF form � it actually looks like they�d scanned the form in from a hard copy. Maybe there's some legal issue or something. Whatever. It was a pain for me and I'm sure a bigger pain for whoever has to read my atrocious chicken scratch and all of us inventors bitched about it a lot in line.

The best part of the release form, as Arne pointed out, is this paragraph (emphasis added):

"I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private, embarrassing, or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction, and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing, or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation, or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that the Producer shall have the right to broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and any or all such appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity,� (p. 2 of the consent and release).

We figured that last passage means that even if they humiliate and defame you so badly that you move to Mars with the first available colony, you will still be humiliated and defamed because the television broadcast will have preceded you. Whatever � I wanna be on teevee!!!

I arrived in San Francisco around 9 PM Wednesday night, still undecided on my pitches, and unfinished with my forms. As soon as I got in I did some concentrated focus group work with Bradford, Michael, Nancy and Rachel and finally decided on three ideas to pitch: Gourmet Lipstick (a relatively new concept), the Wondue Crock, and the Super Duper Air Scooper Aftermarket Retrofitted Vent Window. I rejected the idea of including the Office Utility Belt and Promotional Laptop Cases (although I made one for myself and may offer them for sale).

That night, I could hardly sleep. The vomitous carousing outside on Albion street had only a little to do with it: it was my intense anticipation of the Big Day, increased by my performance anxiety because I had not practiced a pitch nor prepared any visuals. Would I have time to get it all done before I appeared before a panel of judges?

I needn't have worried.

Next ... Waiting in line

Arne and I showed up at 7:30 AM at the Renaissance Parc 55 Hotel and the line went about half way around the block. Not really long enough to blow your mind, but long enough to make you feel kind of tired looking at it. The people in line seemed to me to be very diverse. This may just have been a Portland girl's reaction to San Francisco, but it was far more interesting than my expectation of a crowd of old white guys in lab coats with a smattering of hipster geeks (gipsters?). (The people from Make noted the crowd's diversity, and they're FROM San Francisco so they'd know.) The crowd included young and old people of many hues who seemed to represent diverse social backgrounds, although I guess I didn�t see anyone who looked like a millionaire or anything. Those standing in line right next to us included a rural mail carrier, an unlicensed contractor, and a community college literacy instructor, and us, a filmmaker (Arne) and a public historian (me). The guy pictured in line here who looks like he's from Men in Black had an actual "Inventor's Laboratory Notebook" under his arm -- that impressed me to no end -- he was the real deal!! Also in this picture on the far left you can see the woman who took a freaking half hour for her pitch (more about her shortly). She'll probably get on the show.

Life in line outside the building was not fast paced, but not without interest, either. The crowd wranglers looked far more San Francisco than LA to me and had cute tattoos and stuff. At one point a guy tried to pitch to the pitchers, walking down the line handing out his business card for manufacturing services, which I thought was a pretty good idea in itself. Why weren't there patent attorneys working the line? How many chances do they get to chase ambulences? And a couple of times a film crew came through and a line fluffer encouraged us all to yell and hop around and generally act lively for the camera, and we obliged.

Next ... Hey! Is that Simon Cowell over there?

(btw: Simon Cowell was NOT at the auditions -- I overheard several people ask.) When I saw the camera linger on our neighbor's visual (a mere 8.5 x 11 brochure), I whipped out my sharpies and began sketching in earnest. My first drawing, for Gourmet Lipstick, drew helpful feedback from my fellow inventors such, "That looks like a garbage can" and "Is that a dog dick?�"

Other than that it was a bunch of standing around bullshitting and complaining and making up joke intentions. Arne was inspired to develop the concept for a Jet Cord Activated Inflatable Seating System (see below) and kindly added me to his team (I named it and drew the graphic). Luckily it was a beautiful day and what with me being the country mouse and all, it was kind of exciting just standing there on the sidewalk in the big city. Kind of.

When we got to the head of the line at around 9:30, we were allowed inside the hotel ten or so at a time, searched (my frisker liked my laptop!), told not to use our cameras, and taken upstairs to yet another line. Then it was maybe another hour and a half of waiting in that line. I drew some rough sketches of the scene so I could draw more elaborate sketches for this entry when I had time, but on second thought, maybe you should just close your eyes and imagine a bunch of people sitting and standing around in a hotel looking bored yet hopeful. OK, now open your eyes and continue reading this blog entry -- we're only halfway through!

[Update: if you're interested in this kind of thing, there are more pictures of people waiting in line and what not here at this photoset from the Make people]

When we got to the head of the inside line and we discovered we needed to fill out yet two more forms because we�d decided to submit the Butt Bubble as a team, and then we were photographed and given blue wrist bands with audition numbers on them. I was 553 and 554 and Arne was 552 and 554. 554 was our team inventor number. Once we had our wrist bands we were told we were free to go eat lunch and to come back at 3 -- it was maybe 12:30 by then. We ate at an Indian restaurant which was tasty but served Bisquick naan which seems to be a problem in New York, too, and then we went to Arne's office where I tried to take a nap on his floor and he dealt with some work hassles.

And then it was back to the hotel at 3 o'clock for more awesome waiting!!!

Next ... The Wait

OK, the waiting was kind of a drag, but it was also kind of fun to talk to all the people and hear about their ideas -- for about the first 30 seconds in each case, at least. One of the things I learned from this experience is that invention ideas are a lot like dreams: everyone loves to talk about their own, and no one really wants to hear other people's.

I'm going to keep my descriptions of the inventions I was told about at the hotel intentionally vague out of respect for their inventors. At the beginning of the day, most were closed lipped about their inventions, holding their notebooks and application forms close to their chest, lugging large suitcases, duct-taped bags with mysterious shapes, and there were big signs advising us not to talk to anyone other than the judges about our ideas or risk losing our patentability. But by the end, we were like soldiers in the same trench and people were a little TOO willing to share. Anyway, here are some of the categories of inventions I saw:

• board games
• improved bed-making technologies
• a device to make drinking water on your bike easier and a bike-based game
• the stadium roll (I told that guy he should get a restaurant to make a sushi roll named after his product)
• an exercise system for children
• a CD to help you discipline your children
• an improved method for attaching tools to a ladder
• something involving a pony
• something involving a small poodle, matching bright orange jumpsuits, and a beanie hat

And a bunch of others I'm forgetting.

Since we were shuttled around according to our numbers, we developed a little line-based waiting cadre that included some of the more boisterous people I met at the auditions. People in our group began playing poker and some form of group hangman to occupy their time, and making Burger King and Starbucks runs for each other. For a bunch of inventors, it was incredibly social.

By the time the woman right before me went in at 7:00 I was kind of giddy. We were among maybe the last 50 people there. People in our group had gotten in the habit of applauding and making a big fuss when someone was called in and I continued it when she went in: "YAAAAYYY! You're the world's greatest inventor!!!" I hollered and she actually kind of perked up and thanked me. Then she took a half hour in the juding room and I was kind of sorry I�d said anything. We discovered earlier that we could see what was going on in the rooms by peeking through the spy holes in the doors: She had candles burning and they�d given her a diet Coke.

I was finally let in. Walking in with me was some kind of staffer and the judges let him know how disappointed they were that they hadn�t gotten to judge the pony act.

I faced four judges, two ladies and two gentlemen. I have no idea what they did or who they were -- I was very curious but there was no time for chit chat!! However, we had been told at one point that the panels would include TV producers and patent attorneys. In retrospect, I think one of them may have been Pamela Riddle.

So then I launched into my spiel. Here are the pitches I gave � we were given 2 minutes total to make our pitch, and I think I came in pretty close (drum roll please):

Next ... Not Pitched -- Arne's iFlirt

Arne had to leave after waiting for a mere 8 hours, so he didn't get to pitch his idea, the iFlirt. When I came in to the judging room, they had his application in front of him since he was slated to pitch before me, and they seemed a little bummed that they weren't going to hear about it, so I showed them the picture and very briefly told them what it was about. (Since it's his idea, I'm paraphrasing here): Music is a wonderful thing for bringing people together, but iPods paradoxically lead to isolation in public places. The iFlirt reverses this: It is an add-on for your iPod that lets you know when people are near you with compatible song lists, giving you the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Maybe it uses bluetooth, maybe something else -- that's what the $50,000 will have to figure out. And we don't know how or if you will know exactly who is listening to what, but trying to guess could be part of the fun.

Next ... Not Pitched ... the Booty Bubble

Here's the other idea I showed them, but didn't formally pitch. Arne came up with it with input from me and a couple other people in line. It's the Booty Bubble Rip Cord Activated Inflatable Seating System -- for when you're waiting in line, for instance, and want to sit down, relax, and have a cold drink. It would be a fanny pack holding an airbag that would inflate to become a comfortable seat, like one of those exercise balls. We need $50,000 to figure out how to deflate it.

Next ... The Pitch: Gourmet Lipstick

Gourmet Lipstick: When you go out for a fancy meal, you don't want your foie gras tasting like Bonnie Bell. This is a line of delicious gourmet lipsticks with flavors to compliment the finest meals -- so you taste as fabulous as you look! They might come in cinnoman, cardamom, thyme, rosemary, and a smoky bacon which I envision as a deep dark red and would definitely get you kissed.

Next ... The Pitch, More of It

The Wokdue Crock: A combination of the three most popular kitchen appliances in one: the fondue pot, the crock pot and the wok. A great space-saver, the three bowls would nest within one another while being stored, and would connect to the same electric base while in use. A terrific wedding gift idea.

(Note that these photographs are reenactments -- cameras were not allowed in the hotel, and the auditions did not take place in Bradford, Michael and Rachel's kitchen.)

Next ... The Pitch ... continued and ended

The Super Duper Air Scooper After Market Retrofitted Vent Window: I don't know how many people still remember those little vent windows cars used to have – they were incredibly effective at defrosting windows and cooling you down but were phased out in the late 1970s [actually, I have no idea when this happened] when AC became standard in most cars. Now those cars without vent windows are getting old and their AC is breaking down. This retrofitted vent window would bring back the convenience and environmental benefits that our mid-20th century forefathers enjoyed! The price point for this device might, by definition, be somewhat low, and so we may want to consider using some of the space on the window as an advertising opportunity: you might put a small add for a BigGulp or Skoal, on it, for instance, where a driver would be reminded of the opportunities for refreshment awaiting them at their next stop with every glance in the mirror.