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July 4, 2007

Alternatives to "What do you do?" as conversation starters

When you first meet someone and are making chit-chat (e.g., getting your hair cut, at a professional party, or a party where you don't know anyone, a bus stop, dog park, etc.), what would you rather be asked (and/or what do you ask)?

1) What do you do?

2) Where are you from?

3) Something else? (and if so ... what?)

I try not to ask "what do you do?" since I feel like it hones in on class issues immediately and is, for that reason, kind of rude. I figure if people love their jobs or identify with them strongly, they'll tell me about them eventually, and if not, why should I care? Probably they have something more interesting to talk about. I gather it's considered a rude question in some other countries, and it has inspired some to develop alternative answers, as well as some ranting.

This could lead to a kind of politeness stand off if I'm talking to someone who is really proud of what they do, or has a high-status position but they don't want to seem like self-promoting jerks, but there's room for finessing. I'll ask someone what they do for money eventually if I feel comfortable with them, and I just find I'm dying to know for some reason. Although I did ask someone the other night and immediately regretted it because the response was semi-self-deprecating comments along the lines of: "nothing ... live off my wife ..."

"Where are you from?" used to be my stand by replacement for "what do you do" when I lived in Ann Arbor. None of us were from there -- we were all there for the same reason, doing the same thing (and there, "what's your field?" or "where did you do undergrad?" were the equivalent of "what do you do?").

But now that I'm back in my home town, I find this question a little bit touchy, too. A lot of the people I meet aren't from here, originally, and this makes me feel both proud and a little bit lonely, and I have a lot of friends from California for whom the question seems like kind of a challenge to justify themselves. And then there's local politics regarding exactly where in Portland you live. Anyway, point is, being local makes the question a lot more complicated and I don't really ask that one anymore, either.

This leaves me stuck for an ice-breaker question and lately, my ice-breaker question has been the one I'm posing here in this post.

Responses so far have ranged from: "you think about this stuff too much" to, "I hate it when people ask me that, too!" but I haven't collected a ton of usable alternatives -- here are a couple, anyway, from the web and elsewhere. Suggestions appreciated!

• "What do you stand for?" -- could be sort of a challenge for a lot of people!
• "What are your weekend plans?" -- I kind of like this one, because you could plan for just about anything (trip to Paris, running a marathon, etc.), although it's sister-question, "what did you do this weekend?" can be kind of a downer to answer when all you did was pull weeds and watch TV.
• "Who did you come here with?" -- This one was offered by the woman doing my hair. She uses it at parties to figure out if someone is single. I guess it's fine -- a little social-networkee, for my tastes.
• Here's a collection of options offered by a professional, including "tell me about your kids" -- the problem is, I don't know if I'd actually want to hear any of the answers to these. Not that I don't like other people's kids -- I usually enjoy them -- but hearing parents talk about them? -- it's like dancing about architecture (I'm not really sure what I mean by that).
• "If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?" -- I like this one.
• You could use my Food quiz for the future.
• "If mankind goes extinct, which species do you think will rise up to replace us?" -- I love this one and I made it up. I haven't used it more than once, on an older guy I met in the airport who wouldn't shut up about how the idea that people cause global warming was a myth and we were kind of doomed. His theory: cockroaches. My theory? Ants.

Well, in any case, Happy 4th of July!

Posted by mary at July 4, 2007 8:09 AM

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Posted by: Sandra Petrus at July 5, 2007 3:30 PM

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