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November 29, 2006

Great Gift Ideas from Vladmasters to Vulva Candles -- including local (for Portlanders), cheap, fancy, nerdy, DIY, and political suggestions

Here are some of my gift ideas. Spoiler alert: If I know you (and like you), you may be receiving something on this list.

• For cheap people and their arty friends, what better gift than a Vladmaster story, made by local personage Vladimir. New and old myths told by way of Viewmaster and music packaged in attractive boxes. Priced at Under $30 -- including shipping and a Viewmaster!!! -- this is not only hip, it's an awesome deal. It's too bad about the Mattel Viewmaster toxic waste that went into the well that fed the fountains the workers drank from, but the Viewmasters themselves aren't toxic, and Vlad has nothing with Viewmaster itself. Actually, I just thought of a great project for her, which would be to tell the story of the Viewmaster well poisoning via the Vladmaster method -- it would be like an arty, self-referential Erin Brockovich. Chris, you can pass on the idea with my compliments. Anyway, I imagine it's only a matter of time before Vlad goes commercial and starts making Viewmaster porn, so get 'em now while they still have their indy cred.

• If I were wealthy and had a bike-nazicentric friend, or even just a tub of lard like myself who is more likely to exercise on cute objects than ugly ones, I'd get them an adorable "Amsterdam" bike. It comes with a skirt guard, which, as someone who is herself perennially sans culottes or anyway without pants, I've looked for but never found, although I have seen instructions on how to make one. The Amsterdam also comes with built in headlamps and in pretty colors, like cape code blue (that's a link you'll have to click around on yourself to get to the blue -- flash and all). I really want one of these bikes, but I don't want anyone to get me one because I'd feel guilty about how much it would cost. $550 is kind of a lot of money, but probably not for some people. Maybe you're one of them. And compared to this they're a steal!

• Another thing I'd do if I was made of money is, I'd get a friend a fan-fucking-tastic hat at Pinkham Millinery, right here in downtown Portland. I had my wedding hat made there -- so, apparently I've got a hat made by the same person who made a hat for Serena Williams! I wonder what else we have in common? My wedding hat was very cute, although a little fru fru for daily wear (it was coral colored, for one thing), and I think it's in the basement now. Along with my dreams. Sigh. Anyway, I did have cloche on my list, but now I really like the look of the sloper -- and the tapered slouch -- aaggh! I love hats!!! -- but who am I kidding? I don't know anyone who has that much money AND likes me that much. Maybe you do. Anyway, it's a fun experience to go and have a hat fitted, even for fatties. I recommend it. They cost, like, hundreds and hundreds of dollars, though. I'm not kidding.

• Everyone can use more shiny things in their lives, especially this time of year. I'm not talking about diamonds, of course (diamonds are evil and I feel kind of sorry for anyone who gives or receives them as a Christmas gift -- it would be like getting a dead baby seal in a box or something -- just too too truly goth) but things like reflective tape and flashlights are not only nifty, but practical. Some people might prefer a fleshlight, and that would be a good gift, too, but a little personal for those on my list. If you don't want to spend $200 on a moose-repelling flashlight, you can always pick one up for $5-$10 at Freddies, and the self-generating ones are extra cool. People can never have too many flashlights, seriously. I also like the flashing blinking lights that you clip on yourself -- also easily lost, and easily purchased at Freddies or elsewhere.

• I've always said a fire extinguisher is the kind of gift that, even if someone uses it only once, they'll be incredibly grateful. Kind the opposite of a subscription to the National Geographic. It's more like condoms, which would also make a great gift for the right person. And they're another thing you can't have too many of! You can put one in the kitchen, put one in your car, one in the office, one in the bedroom -- put one everywhere! You just never know when you'll need a fire extinguisher. Same thing goes for a carbon monoxide detector. Is there any better way to say, "I love you, and hope you don't die in a fiery death or suffocate"?

• Speaking of subscriptions, I've really been enjoying my subscription to The Atlantic. Stuffy, not fluffy, but in a good way. And I think Consumer Reports is always a really awesome and practical gift -- again, you may not read every issue, but when you need to buy a refrigerator, you'll be glad you don't have to schlep down to the library or try to find a reliable online review.

• Again with the subscriptions, I think the McSweeny's Book Release Club would be a cool gift, and I guess $100 isn't that much for ten books -- especially ten good books. For the value shopper, an even better (and more local, and cuter, and cooler) deal is the Clear Cut Press subscription -- $65 for eight adorable (and smart) books. I say adorable because they really are good looking little objects. And smart because they feature writers like Charles D'Ambrosio and Stacey Levine, etc. I think all the books in the series are out, so they might come all at once, which is almost even better if you hate waiting. If my memory serves, they arrive very nicely packaged, so it's something you could have sent directly to the recipient.

• Speaking of adorable, how about a nice Gadget Cozy? I'm making 'em, and they are cuter than ever, although I still haven't figured out how to get the Paypal set up, mostly because I suck and have a day job. But if you or someone you love wants a soft, lovable anthropomorphic cover for your laptop, MP3 player, or digital cameral, send me an email and I'll figure out how you can give me money. They run $25 (for an iPod) to $45 (for a 17" laptop cover), plus postage, if that's an issue. I'm still working on slogans and names and stuff, too. How does: "Gadget Cozies: naturally protective fun faux fur covers for your stuff" sounds? Not that great, eh? Well, get one now anyway, before I start making faux fur and felt porn tableaus and portraits of Paris Hilton.

• Maybe you'd like to make someone their own promotional laptop sleeve? Or you could make holiday ones -- that's actually a pretty good idea.

• Drew over at MoHDI has a Surprise Gift package starting at $25. It's pitched as a gift for yourself (and who doesn't want more gifts for oneself, especially this time of year?), but there's nothing that says you can't give it to someone else. It's like an extremely thrifty, unpretentious, and groovy personal shopper.

• DIY hoodoo candles are easy and cheap to make, and they are very heavy, so people think they're substantial. I stole this idea from Nancy, who got it somewhere herself. First, get some of those blank glass encased candles in glass jars that Safeway sells in the Latino foods section -- try to wait until they are on sale for $.99 each; otherwise, you'll pay around $1.39. Make a picture (I've used digital photos of friends, family and bees) and glue or tape it to the candle et voila! I like to give a couple or three at a time, placed in a nice shoe box. If you don't want to make your own, you can get some truly awesome candles here -- maybe you know someone who'd like a nice vulva candle to go with their fleshlight?

• Little Dee is smart, funny, gentle, and good looking -- just like its author, former Portlander (now Olympian), Chris Baldwin. You can read more of the strip here. I think the book would make a great gift for the younger (or older) reader in your life -- actually, I think it would be really fun to sit and read with someone -- and at $10-$12, it's also a great deal.

• Like peace on earth? Have a young man in your life who you don't know what to get? How about a contribution in his name to Veterans for Peace or the American Friends Service Committee (or any other agency working for peace). Like a fire extinguisher, they might not appreciate it on a daily basis like they would a Wii and some war game, but if you think about it, contributing to an agency working for peace might actually be a better investment in their future, not to mention a better use of your money.

• How about that geeky friend with a conscience? The IT guy/gal who always helps you out in a pinch? They've got every gadget you've heard of (and many you haven't), you can't afford to buy an iPhone (even if it existed, which it doesn't ... yet). Rather than waiting for Woot to come up with something that makes even a little bit of sense, how about making a domation in their name to FreeGeek, which has been, as they say, "helping the needy get nerdy since the beginning of the 3rd millennium." If the geek in your life hasn't heard of FreeGeek, they'll love the concept and if they have, they'll respect you for doing something other than getting them that USB cup warmer or a Macquarium.

• Not to mix moods uncomfortably --- well, no, this will mix moods uncomfortably, but what are you going to do -- many of us were outraged by the killing of James/Jim Jim Chasse, and there are other good reasons for wanting to make a gift to local organizations working against police violence and for the rights of the mentally ill. I was impressed by the advocacy and organization work of the Portland Mental Health Association, and Portland Copwatch has been doing good work for years. A contribution to one of these groups would also make a great gift for the pissed off radical in your life. Or maybe you want something for the irritating Republican in your life -- how about a contribution to Jobs with Justice? They're radical, but not crazy.

• Want something that's free, but a little bit risky? Do like my friend Rachel's boyfriend did one year and go get a bunch of books you think your gift target will like from the library and wrap them in a box. Then return them for them when they're due. There's a trust issue involved, in that if they don't let you return them or you forget to do so, it could end up being a very expensive gift rather than a free one.

• Finally, a classic gift, the board game, and a new reason to give it: Ticket to Ride -- Europe is the most awesome fun game ever. I've had enjoyable game play with people from ages 8 (a precocious 8) to 65, and I'll bet even older people would like it, too. It's a perfect balance of skill and luck, and is one of the most popular of the German Style Board Games. You can play cut throat or extremely mellow, and the rules are considerably less crazy-making than games like Settlers of Catan or Puerto Rico.

  Posted by mary at November 29, 2006 9:56 AM

  Comments

  I think for the cozy marketing effort (marketing of cozies, not marketing in a way which is cozy, that is), Etsy should be a good way to go, so you don't have to invent all the storefront stuff yourself. They even have a geekery category that might hit some of your target demographic.

  Posted by: Rich Magahiz at November 29, 2006 7:13 PM

  mary, you do the combination of useful, informative, and hilarious so well.

  reading the part about fire extinguishers (and condoms) and how you could have one in every room, I thought you were still on the subject of condoms, and was imagining... one in the kitchen! one in the car! one in the office!

  Posted by: melissa at November 29, 2006 8:57 PM

  Rich -- you are totally right. I have been feeling shy about Etsy, but that's crazy. I'll check it out.

  Melissa -- aw, shucks! When do you get back to Portland?

  Posted by: maryherself at November 30, 2006 9:19 AM

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