November 2006 Archives

Here's a close up of a Gadget Cozy commissioned for a Very Famous Person. I hope it gets there in time! (Tracking tells me it left the United States on November 28, so I'm thinking it should be there soon!). BTW, Shawn: there is more than one to choose from in the package.

See the rest of it here.

Rich has given me some good advice -- I should set up an Etsy shop.

It's perverse the way I don't want to do things when they are "popular." Would I have rejected the woman's movement when it became one because it was "trendy"? Will I go back to using a PC if Macs ever get a sizable market share because "everyone has one"? Would I reject germ theory and hand washing because "everyone is doing it"? Why should I feel funny about being a craftster when there are so many cool and admirable people in the scene?

It's true that I don't embrace everything about the DIY movement - for one thing, I believe in the sensibility of economies of scale a great deal more than many others.

But I love much of the output without complication or hesitation, and I should have put Crafty Wonderland and the Portland Saturday Market on my list of gift ideas, especially Terry Moholt's work (Terry, Terry, Terry -- we need to get you a better website!) -- $4 each for beautiful handmade holiday cards is another stunningly good deal -- each one suitable for framing and idolizing, as Terry would say!

Here are some of my gift ideas. Spoiler alert: If I know you (and like you), you may be receiving something on this list.

• For cheap people and their arty friends, what better gift than a Vladmaster story, made by local personage Vladimir. New and old myths told by way of Viewmaster and music packaged in attractive boxes. Priced at Under $30 -- including shipping and a Viewmaster!!! -- this is not only hip, it's an awesome deal. It's too bad about the Mattel Viewmaster toxic waste that went into the well that fed the fountains the workers drank from, but the Viewmasters themselves aren't toxic, and Vlad has nothing with Viewmaster itself. Actually, I just thought of a great project for her, which would be to tell the story of the Viewmaster well poisoning via the Vladmaster method -- it would be like an arty, self-referential Erin Brockovich. Chris, you can pass on the idea with my compliments. Anyway, I imagine it's only a matter of time before Vlad goes commercial and starts making Viewmaster porn, so get 'em now while they still have their indy cred.

• If I were wealthy and had a bike-nazicentric friend, or even just a tub of lard like myself who is more likely to exercise on cute objects than ugly ones, I'd get them an adorable "Amsterdam" bike. It comes with a skirt guard, which, as someone who is herself perennially sans culottes or anyway without pants, I've looked for but never found, although I have seen instructions on how to make one. The Amsterdam also comes with built in headlamps and in pretty colors, like cape code blue (that's a link you'll have to click around on yourself to get to the blue -- flash and all). I really want one of these bikes, but I don't want anyone to get me one because I'd feel guilty about how much it would cost. $550 is kind of a lot of money, but probably not for some people. Maybe you're one of them. And compared to this they're a steal!

• Another thing I'd do if I was made of money is, I'd get a friend a fan-fucking-tastic hat at Pinkham Millinery, right here in downtown Portland. I had my wedding hat made there -- so, apparently I've got a hat made by the same person who made a hat for Serena Williams! I wonder what else we have in common? My wedding hat was very cute, although a little fru fru for daily wear (it was coral colored, for one thing), and I think it's in the basement now. Along with my dreams. Sigh. Anyway, I did have cloche on my list, but now I really like the look of the sloper -- and the tapered slouch -- aaggh! I love hats!!! -- but who am I kidding? I don't know anyone who has that much money AND likes me that much. Maybe you do. Anyway, it's a fun experience to go and have a hat fitted, even for fatties. I recommend it. They cost, like, hundreds and hundreds of dollars, though. I'm not kidding.

• Everyone can use more shiny things in their lives, especially this time of year. I'm not talking about diamonds, of course (diamonds are evil and I feel kind of sorry for anyone who gives or receives them as a Christmas gift -- it would be like getting a dead baby seal in a box or something -- just too too truly goth) but things like reflective tape and flashlights are not only nifty, but practical. Some people might prefer a fleshlight, and that would be a good gift, too, but a little personal for those on my list. If you don't want to spend $200 on a moose-repelling flashlight, you can always pick one up for $5-$10 at Freddies, and the self-generating ones are extra cool. People can never have too many flashlights, seriously. I also like the flashing blinking lights that you clip on yourself -- also easily lost, and easily purchased at Freddies or elsewhere.

• I've always said a fire extinguisher is the kind of gift that, even if someone uses it only once, they'll be incredibly grateful. Kind the opposite of a subscription to the National Geographic. It's more like condoms, which would also make a great gift for the right person. And they're another thing you can't have too many of! You can put one in the kitchen, put one in your car, one in the office, one in the bedroom -- put one everywhere! You just never know when you'll need a fire extinguisher. Same thing goes for a carbon monoxide detector. Is there any better way to say, "I love you, and hope you don't die in a fiery death or suffocate"?

• Speaking of subscriptions, I've really been enjoying my subscription to The Atlantic. Stuffy, not fluffy, but in a good way. And I think Consumer Reports is always a really awesome and practical gift -- again, you may not read every issue, but when you need to buy a refrigerator, you'll be glad you don't have to schlep down to the library or try to find a reliable online review.

• Again with the subscriptions, I think the McSweeny's Book Release Club would be a cool gift, and I guess $100 isn't that much for ten books -- especially ten good books. For the value shopper, an even better (and more local, and cuter, and cooler) deal is the Clear Cut Press subscription -- $65 for eight adorable (and smart) books. I say adorable because they really are good looking little objects. And smart because they feature writers like Charles D'Ambrosio and Stacey Levine, etc. I think all the books in the series are out, so they might come all at once, which is almost even better if you hate waiting. If my memory serves, they arrive very nicely packaged, so it's something you could have sent directly to the recipient.

• Speaking of adorable, how about a nice Gadget Cozy? I'm making 'em, and they are cuter than ever, although I still haven't figured out how to get the Paypal set up, mostly because I suck and have a day job. But if you or someone you love wants a soft, lovable anthropomorphic cover for your laptop, MP3 player, or digital cameral, send me an email and I'll figure out how you can give me money. They run $25 (for an iPod) to $45 (for a 17" laptop cover), plus postage, if that's an issue. I'm still working on slogans and names and stuff, too. How does: "Gadget Cozies: naturally protective fun faux fur covers for your stuff" sounds? Not that great, eh? Well, get one now anyway, before I start making faux fur and felt porn tableaus and portraits of Paris Hilton.

• Maybe you'd like to make someone their own promotional laptop sleeve? Or you could make holiday ones -- that's actually a pretty good idea.

• Drew over at MoHDI has a Surprise Gift package starting at $25. It's pitched as a gift for yourself (and who doesn't want more gifts for oneself, especially this time of year?), but there's nothing that says you can't give it to someone else. It's like an extremely thrifty, unpretentious, and groovy personal shopper.

• DIY hoodoo candles are easy and cheap to make, and they are very heavy, so people think they're substantial. I stole this idea from Nancy, who got it somewhere herself. First, get some of those blank glass encased candles in glass jars that Safeway sells in the Latino foods section -- try to wait until they are on sale for $.99 each; otherwise, you'll pay around $1.39. Make a picture (I've used digital photos of friends, family and bees) and glue or tape it to the candle et voila! I like to give a couple or three at a time, placed in a nice shoe box. If you don't want to make your own, you can get some truly awesome candles here -- maybe you know someone who'd like a nice vulva candle to go with their fleshlight?

• Little Dee is smart, funny, gentle, and good looking -- just like its author, former Portlander (now Olympian), Chris Baldwin. You can read more of the strip here. I think the book would make a great gift for the younger (or older) reader in your life -- actually, I think it would be really fun to sit and read with someone -- and at $10-$12, it's also a great deal.

• Like peace on earth? Have a young man in your life who you don't know what to get? How about a contribution in his name to Veterans for Peace or the American Friends Service Committee (or any other agency working for peace). Like a fire extinguisher, they might not appreciate it on a daily basis like they would a Wii and some war game, but if you think about it, contributing to an agency working for peace might actually be a better investment in their future, not to mention a better use of your money.

• How about that geeky friend with a conscience? The IT guy/gal who always helps you out in a pinch? They've got every gadget you've heard of (and many you haven't), you can't afford to buy an iPhone (even if it existed, which it doesn't ... yet). Rather than waiting for Woot to come up with something that makes even a little bit of sense, how about making a domation in their name to FreeGeek, which has been, as they say, "helping the needy get nerdy since the beginning of the 3rd millennium." If the geek in your life hasn't heard of FreeGeek, they'll love the concept and if they have, they'll respect you for doing something other than getting them that USB cup warmer or a Macquarium.

• Not to mix moods uncomfortably --- well, no, this will mix moods uncomfortably, but what are you going to do -- many of us were outraged by the killing of James/Jim Jim Chasse, and there are other good reasons for wanting to make a gift to local organizations working against police violence and for the rights of the mentally ill. I was impressed by the advocacy and organization work of the Portland Mental Health Association, and Portland Copwatch has been doing good work for years. A contribution to one of these groups would also make a great gift for the pissed off radical in your life. Or maybe you want something for the irritating Republican in your life -- how about a contribution to Jobs with Justice? They're radical, but not crazy.

• Want something that's free, but a little bit risky? Do like my friend Rachel's boyfriend did one year and go get a bunch of books you think your gift target will like from the library and wrap them in a box. Then return them for them when they're due. There's a trust issue involved, in that if they don't let you return them or you forget to do so, it could end up being a very expensive gift rather than a free one.

• Finally, a classic gift, the board game, and a new reason to give it: Ticket to Ride -- Europe is the most awesome fun game ever. I've had enjoyable game play with people from ages 8 (a precocious 8) to 65, and I'll bet even older people would like it, too. It's a perfect balance of skill and luck, and is one of the most popular of the German Style Board Games. You can play cut throat or extremely mellow, and the rules are considerably less crazy-making than games like Settlers of Catan or Puerto Rico.

Lyza noted with some contempt that Intel may be offering up a remote control for women.

Personally, I'm all for more remote controls as well as rampant niche marketing -- but it does beg the question of what would make a remote truly for women and only women. What separates women from men? The girls from the boys?

Breasts? Men have them, too.

A fondness for pastel colors? I don't think anyone likes pastels.

A love of chocolate? Kittens? Dick? No, no and no.

Vaginas are the only hard and fast answer.

This means that the remote control truly meant for a woman would be controlled by the vagina. This would be great. I'm imagining something like TV motivated Kegel exercises, which already use little weights (I found a kit at the Salvation Army once -- I'm still kicking myself for not buying them.). As you operated the remote control, you'd also be improving your control over your urine and stuff. The remote would have to be redesigned -- but TiVo is already on the right track.

There are plenty of devices out there which aim to control (or at least influence) the vagina remotely, but this would give your vagina the control, in more ways that one.

Kegel Remotes: Put Your Vagina in Control

P.S. Have you noticed how the word "vagina" has gotten kind of trendy? I first noticed at Go Fug Yourself. Probably it was the "Vagina Monologues" or something. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying.

Ever since I made my first dime from google AdSense, I've been clicking compulsively on the AdSense report page to see the pennies add up in hopeful anticipation of the day they actually pay me (you need to make $100 before they will cut a check). It's pretty addictive, like I imagine the lottery or something is, except with clicking instead of scratching (though I do some scratching, too, but that's a matter of hygiene).

Anyway, I know google likes to keep things simple, but I think they're missing an real opportunity by not running ads on the AdSense report page itself, like, "get rich while working from home," and what not. Who is more desperate and impressionable than someone looking to make money from their blog?

Same thing with google analytics pages. It could be an interesting feedback loop -- you post on a subject, you get traffic because of that subject, then you're looking at your report which lists your traffic and then links to products having to do with that traffic. And because it's all in the context of your own content. you'll be extra interested. I find myself extra interested in the ads on my blog, for instance, although I try not to click on them because I think that's cheating, but there are so many fascinating products -- like Virgin Mary statues! And so many interesting wedding services and concepts!

People love personalized things. Especially advertising. It makes them feel special.

Eric Schlosser is interviewed in The Onion AV Club this week. I suspect we'll hearing a lot more from him with the movie coming out November 17. I wish Schlosser was starring in it. He's so dreamy. Such a muck-rakish charm.

Why oh why, if we can send a man to the moon and make teeny tiny iPods, etc. -- can't someone manufacture a healthy, tasty, fair-trade, happy dead animal Big Mac?

I've thrown together a Christian Band Name Generator in response to the number of people visiting in search of one based on my previous post on the topic. How to use it: First, go to Random.com and ask for a series of random numbers with the smallest value = 1, largest value = 11. Then, using the chart above and for the first word, go to the first column and the row that corresponds to your number, then for the second word, go to the next column and find the row that corresponds to that. etc. So, for example, I got a sequence of numbers:

7, 4, 3, 6

Which equals to "Sing Their Blue Meaning." Not so bad, right?

7, 4, 3, 6 = Pray God's Beatific Book

5, 4, 11, 9 = Love God's Highest Peace

Not as interesting but, still, passable.

I'm the last person who should do this, though. Seriously! If I were a youth pastor, I think a fun church activity for teens and tweens would be to have them create a Christian Band Name Generator using a table like the one I made (they'd be learning some grammar, too), their Bibles, and flash or something (I don't know what kind of software does that best -- for sure not Word + the internet, like I used) and post it on the interwebs. You know what domain name is still available? Does Mary's Great Ideas really deserve its place in the "Christian Band Name" wordspace? Andsome of the examples are a little potentially worrysome. (Maybe this is a little closer to the point?) I'll bet all those sites are using the same program to make their generators.

On another, related topic: Have I already asked if there is a word or phrase that describes letting your google ranking or analytics results drive your content? "Market based content development," I suppose would be the real term, but there should be something catchier and, if possible, more derogatory. As Chris implied in an email, it's not like I have that much integrity to loose in my own content -- my mission, such as it is, is pretty unsubstantial -- so I'm not apologizing. I'm just saying, there should be a phrase.

How on earth did people manage Thanksgiving before the internet? We're holding it at my house this year, and here's what I've done so far:

First, I used the Butterball turkey calculator, which is unfortunately buried under piles of flash, but their site has other tempting things, like the turkey podcast, so I'll link them anyway.

I won't be buying a Butterball turkey -- poor, miserable, oppressed turkeys that they are (were). Nor did we convince my mother to raise her own this year, since none of us said we'd step up to slaughter it. Instead, I'll reserve my turkey -- plus rolls -- at New Seasons. I'm assuming those turkeys were able to participate in the Farm Animal Make-A-Wish Program, which gives each a chance to live out his or her fondest dream before being slaughtered. (Wait, that doesn't exist? Someone get busy! Don't tell me you're too busy sending goats to the needy to buy iPods for turkeys?)

The sides at New Seasons also look tempting, but since cooking is a large part of the fun, I'll do most of it myself. If I enjoyed cooking less, I'd be very tempted by New Season's complete dinners (another flash site, I think, so click around). $70 for dinner for 4-6, from soup to nuts, is a very good price -- I know I'll be spending more than that, even if you don't count my labor -- and I'm sure it will be tasty.

There's a lot of talk currently about how terrible it is that none of us cook anymore, but I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with it -- it's just that the food we tend to buy is so bad for us, particularly the cheap stuff, but most of us don't have the huevos to add the amounts of butter and salt that make things really tasty. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Betsy/mom was telling us the other night how when she was in a political study group in the '60s/'70s, they thought that it was a great thing the way people in China would get take out on the way home from work, so they didn't have to go home and cook. (We won't go into the pros and cons of Maoist China here, okay? And no, they didn't think people were eating "takeout" like sweet and sour pork every night.) The point is, there is something genuinely compelling and sensible in the utopian vision of applying economies of scale to the household.

A character in Edward Bellamy's Looking Backward talks about how, back in the day, "A very important cause of former poverty was the vast waste of labor and materials which resulted from domestic washing and cooking, and the performing separately of innumerable other tasks to which we apply the cooperative plan." They had communal dining halls as the answer.

I'm not going to get into Marx and Engels on women's work and the family (not least because I don't know that much about it) -- but the point is, it's undeniable that the work of cooking is endless and a large part of it (washing up, for instance) is pure drudgery, and this is what modern conveniences aim to be sparing us.

But in some ways, we've gone the opposite direction from economies of scale: many of us live in smaller households, so instead of cooking for an extended family, you're cooking for one or two or maybe three at a time (and, believe me, cooking for one is a pain in the ass -- a sad, lonely, miserable pain in the ass). Where we have adopted economies of scale, instead of collective kitchens creating wonderful foods based on the best health science and gourmet practices, for most of us, it means McDonald's or Taco Bell. Or maybe Trader Joe's, if you want to get fancy about it. But it's more like soylent green than manna.

This tension between the inefficient pleasures of individual craftsmanship, and alienating economies of scale is something I think about a lot and tend to blah blah blah about too much, but it's one of those concepts, like the mapmakers paradox, that I find compelling and applicable to many situations. It sometimes seems like we have the worst of both worlds now, at least in the food and cooking department.

But then, Thanksgiving, when practiced in its modern traditional form, is itself practicing economies of scale by bringing large groups of people together, and a return to individual craftsmanship by encouraging us to cook for each other. And so: Happy Thanksgiving, or, as it will now be known in my household, Celebrating Individual Craftsmanship and Small Scale Economies of Scale Day!!

Podcasts and dog walks are a match made in heaven, so it should come as no surprise that there are podcasts specifically aimed at the dog-walking crowd.

Some friends have asked me when I find time to listen to podcasts. I was an early adapter and continue to be a relatively avid listener because of the lengthy dog walks Pica has made necessary, by virtue of her being an extremely active puppy and dog. Before the dawn of the podcast age, I was limited to mere music, and Audible.com, which is pretty good -- but that's only an hour of content five days a week.

Podcasts to my consciousness when Pica was just about 6 months old, a little over two years ago. Initially, it seemed like the only content available was Adam Curry, who I never really listened to at all (I think I just heard other people talking about him). Then there was The Dawn and Drew Show, which was cute, but sort of bittersweet for a woman with an impending divorce. And I loved Geek Speak, which was the podcast arm of Board Game Geek. But overall, it was pretty hit and miss for me -- there may have been other great things out there, but I wasn't finding them.

Now that there are about a gazillion podcasts, the other day I thought: someone should have a podcast specifically aimed at dog walkers! (I mentioned to Chris that it takes a certain kind of egotism, my kind of egotism, to think, "I have a great idea for a product!" rather than, "where can I get this?" as the first response to identifying a need.) My second thought was, "I'll bet there are some out there."

And lo and beyond, there are, and here are a few I've found. I'm going to link to websites, not feeds, and you can either click around on their websites for the feeds or do what I'd be more likely to do, which is search for their podcast in the iTunes store. None of them do exactly what I want a dog walking podcast to do, which is alternate a chatty discussion of dog science with instructions on how to do a trick or behavior that you can do while walking your dog and dog songs or even just good music to walk to, but all the same, these have been interesting.

Canine Campus is my favorite so far. The people are smart and their conversations about dog behavior have just the right balance of science and praticality to appeal to me. I've listened to a couple of them, and Deven Gaston, one of the main people on the show, seems intelligent, wildly enthusiastic, and fun. I'm not a dog training nerd, so as far as their school of thought goes, I'll just say that it seems to be pretty much in the positive reinforcement camp. The episodes I've heard have been two people talking about dog training, and close with a nice song. They make a few plugs for the products on their website but in a way that makes sense to me.

Dances with Woofs seems to be a one-woman show, with a trainer who talks you through the steps of getting various behaviors. I like the way her website combines the podcast with photos (although for me it defeats the purpose of a podcast I can take on a walk). She has a sense of humor, too, which is nice. But the episode I listened to described getting a dog "down" by stepping on the leash or pushing on his shoulders. It probably works for her, but for me, the treat method seems a lot better.

I probably wouldn't recommend the Leerburg Kennel Dog Training Podcast to most of my friends simply because he takes a very different approach to dog training. He explains his philosophy in Episode One, but it's the episode on "Who Can Pet My Puppy" describing how he tells strangers not to pet his dogs, and that within his family, none of them can pet or play with each other's dogs. Maybe it's a German Shepherd thing, but I suspect, having read his views on the war elsewhere on his website, that the differences go deeper than that. I think it's genuinely heartbreaking when someone equates opposition to the war with contempt for soldiers -- but that's another topic!

Dog Cast Radio is British, and probably closest to what I had in mind: a kind of light-hearted radio magazine format. Segments include breed profiles which, as a mixed breed owner, I find breed talk kind of interesting, but not totally fascinating; a newsdesk, with news about, guess what, dogs; and "Puppy Playtime" which, if you like listening to English schoolgirls, you'll love (I do, and I think the kid doing the segment sounds adorable). Overall, I found it enjoyable, if not deeply intellectually stimulating.

"Cocos Pupcast" is, alas, no longer available, although it's listed in iTunes. I'm sad because I am intrigued by their episode: "Sleeping with your dog -- cozy or creepy?" which includes a segment on "songs to put your dog to sleep by." Something I truly could have cried buckets to.

In the meantime, I bought pupcast.com. And now it's time to get a walk in before it gets dark.

This one's for you, Katy!

I know there are people who are eager for this list (hi, mom) -- I'll update it as I think of things --

• Slippers. I like ones that I can go outside in, maybe moccasin style? Or even better, boiled wool with outdoor soles. I wear 8.5
• A nice sweater. This might be hard to get a good fit, since it needs to be broad, but short, like me. Still, maybe a brown one? I would love cashmere, but its cost would probably make me uncomfortable.
• A cloche hat.
• Lucky bamboo. I'm not sure why, but I want some. Not the kind that's braided, though.
• A good flashlight for the car.
• Nice wool socks. I just bought a pair of Smartwool socks and now I want more. Cute ones, though, not sporty.
• An attractive box to put tampons in in the bathroom - so, one that is at least the length of a tampon.
• A subscription to Consumer Reports.
• A handmade pot holder -- maybe with my name (or logo?!!) on it
• A reflective collar for Pica

Update
I've added a more comprehensive list of my gift ideas here

My first dime from Ad Sense!

If I'm going to direct traffic to Full Body Blow Dryers, Pregnancy Announcement e-Cards or Controllable Flushes I might as well get something from it, right?

So I asked Chris to help me put Ad Sense on my individual entry archive pages. I have to say, beyond the (lack of) income, I've not been very impressed with the suitability of the ads that come up. Never mind advertising tasers on an entry about Jim Jim -- that's just plain horrible, but it's sort of unusual that I write about anything that grim (if it wasn't, I certainly wouldn't be adding ads, give me that much credit). But how about advertising "experienced adoptions" on my entry about Pregnancy Announcement E-Cards? And nothing comes up at all for Human Waste Shaped Key Hiders? Come on! I've actually had a few people come here looking for those! Is the Poo-Shaped Key Holder industry too cheap to buy Ad Words??

On the other hand, I love the fact that a Free Lawn Mower Robot is advertised with No They Do's CD, and that Disney Fairy Tale Weddings are advertised along with a picture of Superfund graffiti (no guarantee you'll get the same ads, of course).

So, at the very least, this will be a source of more self-referential entertainment, like google analytics. And I think I'm going to add them to more archive templates, if I can figure out how.