Look! It's me! On TEEVEE!!! Several of you caught the shot but none, I think, without TiVo, so here I am, for the viewing pleasure of those TiVo-less Mary Wheeler fans.
Check out my excellent acting! I'm trying to emote: "I'M BORED AND NERVOUS WHILE WAITING IN A WAITING ROOM" and I think my eyes say it all. Actually, if anything, I may have overacted. Ultimately, I'm more of a stage presence than a small screen actor, in spite of the fact that one of the film crew guys told me I should try out for Elimidate. Actually, what he said was something like I was going to make good reality TV and I said, "Should I try out for Elimidate??" and he gave me a kind of funny look and then agreed, "Yeah! Sure!!" I think his "compliment" was sincere, if apparently untrue, since they used so little of me in the show.
There has been much speculation as to why they didn't actually use me on the show. Theories include:
1) I didn't cry (enough). No, seriously, I didn't cry at all. I DIDN'T!!
2) The producers didn't think it was as funny as I did when I said that "Mary Lou's lips probably taste like Peter Jone's ASS" in the confessional booth/trailer. That was an overheated little trailer where they egg you on to "tell the judges exactly what you think of them!!" right after your pitch. I didn't really think much of anything about any of them at that point -- I couldn't really remember their names -- but I thought the line I came up with was pretty good, if I do say so myself. The crew laughed.
3) Pork-based lipstick isn't as goofy a product as I thought.
4) The actual shoot-down before the judges was boring. It's true, it was. I blame the judges, though, not myself -- they were just ineffectual. It was about 8 PM, though, so maybe they were tired, too. Peter, the only one to make any kind of weak jab at me, incoherently said something about marmite ads in the UK -- as if anyone in the United States is going to have the slightest idea what he's talking about. I don't remember what I said in response, so it was probably something stupid and unfunny. Mary Lou said the idea was disgusting. Everyone agreed they didn't want to try some. Ed whatisface asked me what an ad would look like and I have to admit, I just gave them a script of the ad that I shot, which isn't that funny to talk about, And that was it. I was out of there. I did offer to wheel my exhibit out of the room for them, though.
5) I was both funnier and taller than Matt Gallent, and when he saw the clips, he insisted that they pull me or he'd quit. He interviewed me a couple of times in the "green room" (which was actually green!) where most of us all spent between 4 and 6 hours before giving our 10 second pitch. Once I threatened to kiss him so he could taste the lipstick and he offered me his cheek -- What kind of ambitious actor doesn't kiss a strange woman on her pork-fat-smeared lips for the sake of his career? That guy is going nowhere.
6) My product has too much integrity and they are looking for goofy people with strange back stories.
Anyway, in spite of not making the cut -- or maybe because of it -- I had a fun time in LA, where I'd never been, especially driving around in Mr. Loveland's fancy sports car and eating sushi with him and Zoe. At the end, I told Matt "Shorty" Gallant that I'd be back next year with the Wondue Crock, and maybe, just maybe, I will.
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