November 2005 Archives

(I reserve the right to revise this post as I'm in something of a rush!!)

I've blogged about promotional laptop bags before, and considered it something that I'd been scooped on. However, I still don't see exactly what I have in mind now -- a very low cost, quick and dirty promo item. I made one for my American Inventor audition in about 5 minutes and I'll show you how I did it.

This DIY version is a great, easy, cheap gift idea for the nerd in your life! Keep in mind that this is not durable product -- if you want something of quality, there are plenty of options out there if you're willing to pay for them. Maybe I'll link to some later if I get a second.

Soon I'll also blog my laptop cozy, which actually takes a needle and thread. But this one, anyone can make in the office using supplies readily found on hand. (I'm not condoning pilfering or anything!)

First, the materials:

I bought a really super snazzy 24 piece sharpy kit, but really, one black sharpy would be sufficient.

Then you also want a padded envelop. Get whatever size will fit the laptop you're making it for. I like the manila ones, but the plastic ones would be good, too, and probably a little more durable.

Pencil out your design. (If you're graphically challenged, you could use a laptop projector to project a design onto the envelop and then trace it, or just do dots or strips or something.)

Color it in with sharpies. Erase the pensil marks.

Et voila! A beautiful laptop bag that you'd be proud to whip out of your shoulder bag or briefcase at any professional meeting! Everyone around you would be all like, "woooah! where'd you get the sweet laptop bag, dude?!" Not like, "huh -- you're using a padded manila envelop with some scribbles on it as a laptop bag? Why?"

Also, it's less recognizable as a laptop when it's sitting around.

The best part is, put some stamps and an address on the back, and it's ready to send to your cousin

Update: One good tip -- if you're making a friend a promotional laptop bag (I really should just call them envelopes), be sure to get their url correct and don't leave out critical words like, "movie" (I will send this draft version to the nice people selling ringtones).

(Did I mention that the judges at the American Inventor Auditions said we'd hear back from them in 6-8 weeks, if we ever do? Well, that's what they said, so if you're looking for actual American Inventor stuff you can scroll down a bit for about 2,000 words and 7 pictures ...)

I was thrilled to be linked on boingboing the other day! Some of my readers will know that once I saw that boingboing was covering the auditions (I'd already bought my plane tickets, btw -- I'm not that desperate), I made getting a link from boingboing the true extent of my ambitions.

The timing was pretty good, since I'd just signed up for google analytics and the boingboing link gave me something to look at. (Posted above is a screen shot of my first google analytics report -- it's actually before they'd processed any data, but I suspect it's not far off from the truth.) I'm not really sure about the etiquette when you get linked somewhere like boingboing and have a bunch of new, mostly one-time readers -- should I have posted a "welcome, boing boing readers!!!" message? I was sick the day it happened and eating my way across northern Washington after that, so I wasn't really up to doing much of anything -- but I probably would have taken the strong, silent approach, anway. I'm just that kind of blogger -- you know, mostly silent.

Anyway, among other things (ok, not too many other things -- but at least one other thing) as a result of the boingboing link, I've been invited to talk to a Canadian radio show called Freestyle. You read it right!!! -- I'm going to be on Canadian radio this Tuesday -- AM, baby!!! I've been singing a little song to the tune of "Mexican Radio" lately. You can listen to it online somehow (the show, not my singing), although I'm still a little confused about exactly when I'll be on -- they're interviewing me around 9:30 am. [Update: I think you can hear it on the internet by clicking on the listen now thing and clicking on Vancouver -- I'm saying this for Terry and Kathy's sake, I guess, since I'm not sure who else will bother *sniff*. And no, you can't call in.]

The Freestyle show says it offers "amusing and fascinating topics and people from all over the country and around the world" as well as, "more Canadian music than you'll ever get the chance to hear anywhere else on the dial." I'm very much looking forward to it. And if the producers of American Inventor are reading this (and you know, I just think you're adorable, Liz Bronstein!), I will definitely put in a good word for American Inventor.

A couple of days ago I emailed a couple friends gleefully letting them know that, in the words of Navin R. Johnson, "Things are going to start happening to me NOW!" and, look, it's starting already!

Anyway, back to the true purpose of this blog (not that self-referentiality isn't a blog standard): Here's a pretty good example of how I frequently don't so much invent something so much as sort of channel some kind of scary consumer collective unconscious (this is pretty much my version of a clip show):

At first, I wanted to make savory ice creams -- you know, gorgonzola, pea, corn, beet, beef, etc.; I thought you might serve it in scoops on top of nice salads or in soups. I babbled on about it so much that Chris even got me a very sweet double-bowl ice cream maker and I had a tasting party, but then like 2 months later I'm reading about savory ice cream shops and stuff in the New York Times dining section and all over the web and oh, snore, we've all heard all about it by now. Scooped again! (heh)

Then at some point, Katy suggested making ice cream for dogs (not to be confused with dog ice cream). I made up a small batch for Ernie's birthday, and it went over great, but then a little while later, I saw some for sale at New Seasons, so my next idea was to get an ice cream cart and troll the dog parks selling specialty hand-made ice cream for dogs -- Chris suggested packaging the scoops as little frozen tennis balls or something. And then I thought: why not get an espresso truck and sell espresso (for people) and ice (for dogs and people) all over Portland at its many dog parks? I went so far as to look at espresso trucks on the internet, and fell in love with one. But that's as far as it went, because a few months later, I heard some poor lady on Oregon Public Radio talking about how she's invested $30,000 into an espresso cart to sell coffee at Laurelhurst Park to the dog walkers. The first broadcast was all about how she'd set out on a new career path and isn't that great, and then one week later they're reporting on how she'd given up on that, too much work, too little money, and now she's doing birthday parties. Well, better her than me. I'm glad I kept my day job.

So, there's a typical trajectory for me and my great ideas.

Not like I'm keeping track or anything, but here are some other great ideas I've had that were really just premonitions or something:

• Inappropriately Contextualized T-Shirts from Around the Third World
• Controllable Flush
• Pitch-Based TV Show

More to come, I'm sure.

p.s. I almost forgot -- the best part about "Freestyle" is they also interview people like a etch-a-sketch artists and Chess Boxing champs -- after learning that this sport exists, I have now made it my ambition to date a champion chess boxer -- it sounds like the perfect combination of brute and nerd. Hopefully Freestyle can help set me up. (Germanist friends, be sure to watch the video and tell me what they're saying.)

Being a Painfully Detailed Account of My Attempt to Realize My Destiny By Waiting Outside and Inside a Hotel for Approximately 12 Hours to Petition to Appear on the Television Program American Inventor

I flew down from Portland to San Francisco on Wednesday night armed with a giant Post It pad, a bunch of sharpies, and several copies of partly completed 36-page application forms.

About those application forms. Since I had decided to pitch three ideas, this meant four sets of forms: the inventor application form with its associated releases, and three invention forms. I still hadn't decided which ideas to pitch and since most of the questions applied to all of the inventions, I partially filled out the forms and copied them so as to save me some writing cramps. Notice that I say, "writing" instead of typing: that�s because American Inventor had failed to make use of the invention of the fill-outable PDF form � it actually looks like they�d scanned the form in from a hard copy. Maybe there's some legal issue or something. Whatever. It was a pain for me and I'm sure a bigger pain for whoever has to read my atrocious chicken scratch and all of us inventors bitched about it a lot in line.

The best part of the release form, as Arne pointed out, is this paragraph (emphasis added):

"I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private, embarrassing, or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction, and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing, or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation, or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that the Producer shall have the right to broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and any or all such appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity,� (p. 2 of the consent and release).

We figured that last passage means that even if they humiliate and defame you so badly that you move to Mars with the first available colony, you will still be humiliated and defamed because the television broadcast will have preceded you. Whatever � I wanna be on teevee!!!

I arrived in San Francisco around 9 PM Wednesday night, still undecided on my pitches, and unfinished with my forms. As soon as I got in I did some concentrated focus group work with Bradford, Michael, Nancy and Rachel and finally decided on three ideas to pitch: Gourmet Lipstick (a relatively new concept), the Wondue Crock, and the Super Duper Air Scooper Aftermarket Retrofitted Vent Window. I rejected the idea of including the Office Utility Belt and Promotional Laptop Cases (although I made one for myself and may offer them for sale).

That night, I could hardly sleep. The vomitous carousing outside on Albion street had only a little to do with it: it was my intense anticipation of the Big Day, increased by my performance anxiety because I had not practiced a pitch nor prepared any visuals. Would I have time to get it all done before I appeared before a panel of judges?

I needn't have worried.

Next ... Waiting in line

Arne and I showed up at 7:30 AM at the Renaissance Parc 55 Hotel and the line went about half way around the block. Not really long enough to blow your mind, but long enough to make you feel kind of tired looking at it. The people in line seemed to me to be very diverse. This may just have been a Portland girl's reaction to San Francisco, but it was far more interesting than my expectation of a crowd of old white guys in lab coats with a smattering of hipster geeks (gipsters?). (The people from Make noted the crowd's diversity, and they're FROM San Francisco so they'd know.) The crowd included young and old people of many hues who seemed to represent diverse social backgrounds, although I guess I didn�t see anyone who looked like a millionaire or anything. Those standing in line right next to us included a rural mail carrier, an unlicensed contractor, and a community college literacy instructor, and us, a filmmaker (Arne) and a public historian (me). The guy pictured in line here who looks like he's from Men in Black had an actual "Inventor's Laboratory Notebook" under his arm -- that impressed me to no end -- he was the real deal!! Also in this picture on the far left you can see the woman who took a freaking half hour for her pitch (more about her shortly). She'll probably get on the show.

Life in line outside the building was not fast paced, but not without interest, either. The crowd wranglers looked far more San Francisco than LA to me and had cute tattoos and stuff. At one point a guy tried to pitch to the pitchers, walking down the line handing out his business card for manufacturing services, which I thought was a pretty good idea in itself. Why weren't there patent attorneys working the line? How many chances do they get to chase ambulences? And a couple of times a film crew came through and a line fluffer encouraged us all to yell and hop around and generally act lively for the camera, and we obliged.

Next ... Hey! Is that Simon Cowell over there?

(btw: Simon Cowell was NOT at the auditions -- I overheard several people ask.) When I saw the camera linger on our neighbor's visual (a mere 8.5 x 11 brochure), I whipped out my sharpies and began sketching in earnest. My first drawing, for Gourmet Lipstick, drew helpful feedback from my fellow inventors such, "That looks like a garbage can" and "Is that a dog dick?�"

Other than that it was a bunch of standing around bullshitting and complaining and making up joke intentions. Arne was inspired to develop the concept for a Jet Cord Activated Inflatable Seating System (see below) and kindly added me to his team (I named it and drew the graphic). Luckily it was a beautiful day and what with me being the country mouse and all, it was kind of exciting just standing there on the sidewalk in the big city. Kind of.

When we got to the head of the line at around 9:30, we were allowed inside the hotel ten or so at a time, searched (my frisker liked my laptop!), told not to use our cameras, and taken upstairs to yet another line. Then it was maybe another hour and a half of waiting in that line. I drew some rough sketches of the scene so I could draw more elaborate sketches for this entry when I had time, but on second thought, maybe you should just close your eyes and imagine a bunch of people sitting and standing around in a hotel looking bored yet hopeful. OK, now open your eyes and continue reading this blog entry -- we're only halfway through!

[Update: if you're interested in this kind of thing, there are more pictures of people waiting in line and what not here at this photoset from the Make people]

When we got to the head of the inside line and we discovered we needed to fill out yet two more forms because we�d decided to submit the Butt Bubble as a team, and then we were photographed and given blue wrist bands with audition numbers on them. I was 553 and 554 and Arne was 552 and 554. 554 was our team inventor number. Once we had our wrist bands we were told we were free to go eat lunch and to come back at 3 -- it was maybe 12:30 by then. We ate at an Indian restaurant which was tasty but served Bisquick naan which seems to be a problem in New York, too, and then we went to Arne's office where I tried to take a nap on his floor and he dealt with some work hassles.

And then it was back to the hotel at 3 o'clock for more awesome waiting!!!

Next ... The Wait

OK, the waiting was kind of a drag, but it was also kind of fun to talk to all the people and hear about their ideas -- for about the first 30 seconds in each case, at least. One of the things I learned from this experience is that invention ideas are a lot like dreams: everyone loves to talk about their own, and no one really wants to hear other people's.

I'm going to keep my descriptions of the inventions I was told about at the hotel intentionally vague out of respect for their inventors. At the beginning of the day, most were closed lipped about their inventions, holding their notebooks and application forms close to their chest, lugging large suitcases, duct-taped bags with mysterious shapes, and there were big signs advising us not to talk to anyone other than the judges about our ideas or risk losing our patentability. But by the end, we were like soldiers in the same trench and people were a little TOO willing to share. Anyway, here are some of the categories of inventions I saw:

• board games
• improved bed-making technologies
• a device to make drinking water on your bike easier and a bike-based game
• the stadium roll (I told that guy he should get a restaurant to make a sushi roll named after his product)
• an exercise system for children
• a CD to help you discipline your children
• an improved method for attaching tools to a ladder
• something involving a pony
• something involving a small poodle, matching bright orange jumpsuits, and a beanie hat

And a bunch of others I'm forgetting.

Since we were shuttled around according to our numbers, we developed a little line-based waiting cadre that included some of the more boisterous people I met at the auditions. People in our group began playing poker and some form of group hangman to occupy their time, and making Burger King and Starbucks runs for each other. For a bunch of inventors, it was incredibly social.

By the time the woman right before me went in at 7:00 I was kind of giddy. We were among maybe the last 50 people there. People in our group had gotten in the habit of applauding and making a big fuss when someone was called in and I continued it when she went in: "YAAAAYYY! You're the world's greatest inventor!!!" I hollered and she actually kind of perked up and thanked me. Then she took a half hour in the juding room and I was kind of sorry I�d said anything. We discovered earlier that we could see what was going on in the rooms by peeking through the spy holes in the doors: She had candles burning and they�d given her a diet Coke.

I was finally let in. Walking in with me was some kind of staffer and the judges let him know how disappointed they were that they hadn�t gotten to judge the pony act.

I faced four judges, two ladies and two gentlemen. I have no idea what they did or who they were -- I was very curious but there was no time for chit chat!! However, we had been told at one point that the panels would include TV producers and patent attorneys. In retrospect, I think one of them may have been Pamela Riddle.

So then I launched into my spiel. Here are the pitches I gave � we were given 2 minutes total to make our pitch, and I think I came in pretty close (drum roll please):

Next ... Not Pitched -- Arne's iFlirt

Arne had to leave after waiting for a mere 8 hours, so he didn't get to pitch his idea, the iFlirt. When I came in to the judging room, they had his application in front of him since he was slated to pitch before me, and they seemed a little bummed that they weren't going to hear about it, so I showed them the picture and very briefly told them what it was about. (Since it's his idea, I'm paraphrasing here): Music is a wonderful thing for bringing people together, but iPods paradoxically lead to isolation in public places. The iFlirt reverses this: It is an add-on for your iPod that lets you know when people are near you with compatible song lists, giving you the opportunity to strike up a conversation. Maybe it uses bluetooth, maybe something else -- that's what the $50,000 will have to figure out. And we don't know how or if you will know exactly who is listening to what, but trying to guess could be part of the fun.

Next ... Not Pitched ... the Booty Bubble

Here's the other idea I showed them, but didn't formally pitch. Arne came up with it with input from me and a couple other people in line. It's the Booty Bubble Rip Cord Activated Inflatable Seating System -- for when you're waiting in line, for instance, and want to sit down, relax, and have a cold drink. It would be a fanny pack holding an airbag that would inflate to become a comfortable seat, like one of those exercise balls. We need $50,000 to figure out how to deflate it.

Next ... The Pitch: Gourmet Lipstick

Gourmet Lipstick: When you go out for a fancy meal, you don't want your foie gras tasting like Bonnie Bell. This is a line of delicious gourmet lipsticks with flavors to compliment the finest meals -- so you taste as fabulous as you look! They might come in cinnoman, cardamom, thyme, rosemary, and a smoky bacon which I envision as a deep dark red and would definitely get you kissed.

Next ... The Pitch, More of It

The Wokdue Crock: A combination of the three most popular kitchen appliances in one: the fondue pot, the crock pot and the wok. A great space-saver, the three bowls would nest within one another while being stored, and would connect to the same electric base while in use. A terrific wedding gift idea.

(Note that these photographs are reenactments -- cameras were not allowed in the hotel, and the auditions did not take place in Bradford, Michael and Rachel's kitchen.)

Next ... The Pitch ... continued and ended

The Super Duper Air Scooper After Market Retrofitted Vent Window: I don't know how many people still remember those little vent windows cars used to have – they were incredibly effective at defrosting windows and cooling you down but were phased out in the late 1970s [actually, I have no idea when this happened] when AC became standard in most cars. Now those cars without vent windows are getting old and their AC is breaking down. This retrofitted vent window would bring back the convenience and environmental benefits that our mid-20th century forefathers enjoyed! The price point for this device might, by definition, be somewhat low, and so we may want to consider using some of the space on the window as an advertising opportunity: you might put a small add for a BigGulp or Skoal, on it, for instance, where a driver would be reminded of the opportunities for refreshment awaiting them at their next stop with every glance in the mirror.

In this age of plastic surgery and biological modifications, there's no reason to put up with stinky skunks in the neighborhood any more, and they're so darned cute, who wants to kill them?

We should be able to pay for a service that will trap these skunks, remove their stink sacs, and replace them with things that released nice smells like roses and lavender. That way, when you startled a skunk in your backyard, it would be a pleasure! Skunks could smell as cute as they look!

You might have to insert a new suppository every once in awhile, and maybe you'd pay the same people to do it -- it could be an ongoing service like getting your lawn done.

Or you might tame them to make them delightful indoor pets -- one for the kitchen and one for the bathroom!

(Boris gets joint credit for this concept.)

Shane just forwarded me the following email, by way of Denise:

> SIMON COWELL WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU’VE GOT A BRIGHT IDEA WORTH ONE MILLION BUCKS
>
>
> From flying cars to time machines, America’s favorite critic wants your
> invention for his new show. Auditions across America start Nov. 14.
>
> Inventors, tinkerers and entrepreneurs of America…
>
> Have you come up with the greatest new product since the Post-It®? How about
> a floss-dispensing pen, or bubble gum with flavor that lasts forever? Well,
> Simon Cowell (American Idol) wants your brainchild for his new show, AMERICAN
> INVENTOR.
>
> Brought to you by the producers of “American Idol” and Simon Cowell’s Syco
> Television, this new network primetime reality series set to air on ABC will
> undertake the biggest search ever for America’s best new invention. Open to
> people of all ages including kids! Casting calls begin November 14th all
> across America (cities and dates listed below).
>
> Says show creator/executive producer Cowell: “America has always been the
> mother of invention, from the airplane, rockets, plastic and the internet to
> flip-flops and soda. This is the ultimate American dream. We want this show
> to make someone a multi-millionaire.”
>
> With one million dollars at stake, AMERICAN INVENTOR will celebrate the best
> in homespun American ingenuity. From mothers with a notion for a better baby
> stroller to experienced engineers with several patented inventions, AMERICAN
> INVENTOR is open to anyone with a great idea. No invention is too big or
> small!
>
> Prospective contestants can enter with a sketch, a prototype or even just a
> concept. The competition is open both to individuals and teams. The invention
> must be something that can be mass produced and sold to consumers in a retail
> outlet. Expert judges will narrow down the initial entries to a group of
> finalists, who will each be given $50,000 dollars to develop their product,
> refine it, and take it to the next level. But in the end, it will be up to
> America to call in and vote on which invention is worthy of the one million
> dollar prize.
>
> For more information such as applications, eligibility requirements and
> addresses for the eight casting calls, please go to www.AmericanInventor.tv or
> call 877/255-8009. This competition is subject to applicable rules, which are
> subject to modification at any time in the producer’s discretion.
>
> For interested inventors, here is the current schedule for casting calls in
> the eight selected cities:
>
> Los Angeles, November 14
> San Francisco, November 17
> Denver, December 1
> Chicago, December 4
> New York, December 7
> Washington, DC, December 11
> Atlanta, December 14
> Austin, December 17
>
> AMERICAN INVENTOR will be produced by Simon Cowell’s Syco Television LLC and
> FremantleMedia North America, Inc. The Executive Producers are Simon Cowell,
> Liz Bronstein, Siobhan Greene, Nigel Hall and Cecile Frot-Coutaz.

I totally DO have ideas!! Lots of them!! And I really want to be on their American Inventor show.

Here's where I need help, though: if I do apply to go down to SF to the open casting call, etc., which idea should I apply with? Maybe I'll see if I can figure out how to add a poll to my blog ... but anyway, I'd like suggestions fro my best, most marketable idea. I'm thinking maybe the Wondue Crock, or the Scrunci Undie ... I think they want something with mass rather than nitch appeal. Anyway, if your reading this, let me know which if my ideas you think would be best.

I kind of wish I'd invented this TV show.