December 2004 Archives

I've been trying to organize a personal moral crusade against gambling for a couple of years now, like a new prohibition. It's difficult, because most people I know regard gambling as harmless fun and I'm someone who generally has a hard time mustering up a lot of moral outrage and disapproval -- except, I guess, towards hummers and war and things like that -- but not towards supposedly sinful things like sex and drugs, unless they seem exceptionally seedy or harmful. But I didn't really have a knee jerk reaction to gambling at the outset. But intellectually, or maybe politically, I think gambling needs to have the kind of disapproval shown towards it that the antidrug people want us to feel towards pot smoking. (Not that their crusades are really working, but I admire their efforts at one level, if only because of their PR gumption and zeal.) Because if it's cool for some people who can afford it to engage in gambling for the hell of it, and they make it look cool, then it's just that much easier for people who can't afford it to wish they could and maybe do it anyway. I think I should start shooting people dirty and disapproving looks when they talk about how much fun Vegas is, although, frankly, my heart's not really in it -- I just think it should be. I guess I should see some numbers on how effective those antidrug campaigns are before I assume that social disapproval does anything.

Anyway, this campaign isn't really going anywhere, but my point is, I think gambling, particularly in the form of video poker and scratch and sniffs and what have you, is totally out of hand, and it's completely disgusting to me to see Oregon come to rely so heavily on lottery dollars for key things like education. Plus, half the bars and restaurants in St. Johns seem to rely on lottery activities exclusively to keep from going under and it's just gross sitting there watching people throw their money away, especially since you can still smoke in bars and restaurants in oregon and the gamblers smoke an extra lot. It really doesn't look like any fun at all.

But all that having been said, as an alternative to banning gambling and creating an actually fair and reasonable tax base for things like education and health care and law enforcement, etc. maybe the IRS and the states should make paying taxes itself more like gambling. If state-sanctioned gambling is supposed to be such a great form of revenue, and people hate paying their taxes so much, why not just cut out the regular taxes entirely and turn it into some kind of hedonistic fun-fest?

I envision a huge, gaudy casino set up in the state capital -- here, that would mean lovely Salem (which could also use a boost, I think). Each citizen over the age of 18 would be required to go to Salem every year sometime in the last quarter before April 15th and would be required to spend some minimum amount while there gambling. Maybe they'd be required to spend the night in the huge state-run hotel, too. To encourage people gambling more than the minimum amount, there would be free drinks and food and fabulous prizes. Maybe not cash prizes, because that would defeat the purpose, but maybe things like a special pass at the DMV so you don't have to wait in line, or a coupon for the pothole of your choice to be filled, or a police officer's direct cell phone number, or a free immunization or flue shot. Or maybe we could have cash prizes, too -- it seems to work for the casinos -- so that there would be at least a chance that you might leave with a bunch of cash.

Susan S. didn't like this idea because it would put a lot of accountants out of work, but having seen how much accountants enjoy blackjack, I'm betting some of them would make pretty good dealers and they would look cute in those little outfits the dealers wear. I'll bet it would be even more fun than being an accountant.

At the dog park the other day I had the thought that Pica's movements are a lot like video game -- that is, she runs around frantically, tries to avoid obstacles, goes after squirrels (she actually caught one the other day, but it escaped), chases balls, fights battles with other dogs, gets chased, chases, etc. etc. I think it would make great fodder for a vide game. There is a board game based on dog activities, but that wouldn't take advantage of the high speed nature of the thing. It would also be a bit like a Sims game -- and you could develop your dog's characteristics and skills and they could get to be a really good frisbee dog, or a really good jumper, or something. And you'd have to pick up after them. A dog game would be really fun. Atari has failed to exploit this potential. And playing a dog at the park would be a lot more fun than pretenting to shoot a dog in the mouth (ugh!). It looks like I'll have to get a Playstation if I really want to play at being a dog.

My new idea is to create "new" content by recycling the old in self-referential entries.

We once had the idea of writing a script called Patent Porn and then we thought about Patenting our Relationship which, in light of current personal events, doesn't seem like such a bad idea, not near as silly as some of the things you'll find Patently Silly. I am particuarly fond of the limericks.

I've been thinking it would be a great idea to get my ears cleaned out with one of those ear candles. Did you know this is how they cleaned their ears in Atlantis? Apparently, some people think it's not such a great idea. I can't remember if it's in Nicholson Baker's The Mezzanine or The Fermata where he describes cleaning his ears in great detail, but it's really satisfying. I can't remember if he ear candles or not. I want some form of ear cleaning because I seem to be going slightly deaf. On the other hand, it may just be old age.

Besides hearing better, I want the satisfaction of seeing a bunch of wax come out of my ears. There should be body product porn for people like me, devoted to things like ear wax and other things too gross (but also fascinating) to mention here -- you know, blackhead extraction and stuff. Like "The Faces of Death" only considerably tamer. It probably already exists.

Those of you who have followed my adventures with Pica at the superfund site can read it in the form of a photo essay here at limetea.net -- including the story that was too shocking to merely blog about! I'm 'published'!!

There are undoubtedly better things to read on the site, so look around!

(and then come back and buy some stuff from my cafepress.com shop!