Tim and I came up with this several years ago -- I was kind of embarrassed when first looked at it (potty humor, and all), but then I still laughed, so here it is:
Scene: Antiques Roadshow. An expert is just finishing an appraisal of an oil landscape.
Appraiser: ... So, what would you say if I told you this painting was worth thirty five THOUSAND dollars?
Guy (looking wowed): Wow!!! I just shit my pants!!!
Appraiser (looking interested): Really? What did you have for lunch?
Guy: Uh, surf & turf at the Lobster Lair ...
Appraiser: Do you have any idea how much that shit is worth?
Guy: Well, no, I really don't have a clue ...
Appraiser: What would you say if I told you that shit in your pants could be worth as much as SIXTY-FIVE CENTS!!
Guy: REALLY??!! That's INCREDIBLE!
Appraiser (nodding): Yes, and according to the Blue Book on Collectable American Feces, it might have been worth as much as twice that if you'd actually removed your pants before defecating!! Dumps like yours in excellent shape have brought up to three dollars at auction!
Guy (looking impressed): No kidding! And to think, it's just been gathering dust in my pants for the last 5 seconds! Hey, I've got some old turds my great aunt Millie left me at home. I'd never sell them, of course, but do you think they could be worth anything?
Appraiser: I'd have to see them to be sure but yes, it's possible they are valuable. The amount collectors will pay depends on a wide variety of factors. Celebrity shit, for instance, is sought avidly by collectors interested in that kind of thing, and the rarer shits are, of course, worth more.
Guy: And here I've just been flushing this stuff away!
Appraiser: What are you going to do now that you know you're walking around with sixty-five cents worth of shit in your pants?
Guy: I'm going to waddle home right now and tell my wife!
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